The Riddle Solved

We've all made mistakes in our lives. But I'm talking about one particular mistake.

You've gone out to a show, stood by the speakers all night and having had way too much Jagermeister, kissed the ugliest girl you could find. Unfortunately, when you gave your number to ugly face McGee, you weren't drunk enough illegibly scribble your number. So she has it tucked away in her pocket trying to decide when is a good time to call you.

Now, in a guilt ridden state, your headache and ringing ears indicate that these choices may have not been the wisest. What do you do in this dire situation? The future looks as grim as a cancer prognosis of 2 days.

Luckily, there are a few solutions that can remedy these three massive problems that, if not handled correctly, may ensure that your new girlfriend continues to buy you argyle sweaters from the Gap.

Solution Number 1

You need to be able to think clearly about what you're going to do next. So the headache is the primary concern right now. Drink a fifth of vodka or whatever it is that you can reasonable down in a short amount of time. Note: Don't get so drunk that you once again hand out your phone number to another ugly girl. Unless you really want to see any ugly girl cat fight. Note to self: plan ugly cat fight with this method.

Solution Number 2

The fact that your ears are ringing at all means you've damaged them. Those little hairs inside your ears suffered a long and painful death like a starving Somalian child. Unlike a Somalian child, you can't adopt new ear hairs. The pitch of the ringing in your ears is the exact tone that you will never hear again in your entire life. There's no way around it. On a positive note, most of the tones are so high that they never naturally occur in the environment, unless your a dog. So don't plan on becoming a dog. It's not a major concern and the ringing will stop eventually, but not before a series of “huh?” “huh?” “huh?” every time someone says something to you. You can always just respond with yes, but if you run into the ugly girl be sure to consistently respond with “no”.

Solution Number 3

Now that you've dealt with all of those nasty physical sensations that are plaguing you. You are probably feeling a little tired from all the vodka you drank a few hours ago. So nap, what am I? Your mom? The next solution is to ensure that you won't inadvertently display affection to ugly face. The first and most obvious solution is going to be that it is a bad idea to return to that same bar you met her at.

There are several solutions to this ugly face problem, and I will only come up with a few. So be creative.

Suggestion 1: For this to work you'll need to know her phone number. If not, you'll have to answer the same way every time. When she calls use the opening line “JoMama's Pizza”. Now, get into the role. You are a pizza maker, you have orders to fill, customers to satisfy and no time to deal with some ugly chick who thinks she got some guys number. This way you make it quick and easy and hang up when she says she doesn't want to order a pizza. If she in fact does want to order a pizza, you're fucked.

Suggestion 2: If you're uncomfortable with such graceful acting you can just tell her your gay and being so drunk (don't say you thought she was a man) you just made a terrible mistake. Most women are pretty understanding when it comes to this. If she gets incensed, just get as incensed back and begin the process of letting her know how her gay bashing regresses your progress as a happy, healthy human being who likes kissing boys.

Suggestion 3: Get someone else to answer the phone and say that you've joined the army.

With these solutions and your creative mind, I'm sure you will be able to remedy this situation in no time and get back to the stress free existence that you deserve. Namaste.

Namaste seems inappropriate for his blog.